Psalms, that’s where this whole thing started. This decision to be honest with God about everything, even if I think I’m saying something he’d rather not hear. But the deal is God is love, he is forgiveness, redemption, and, ultimately, the source of our peace. So I can’t find a better place to start with than him.

A few weeks ago, after receiving a good offer from a local healthcare system, my husband was told that they were now rescinding their offer. And like that, in the blink of an eye, he was unemployed . . . again. The who’s and how’s and why’s don’t matter. In the end what matters is that my family is going through a crisis, and we’re left hurting and reeling from this horrible situation that we have no control over.

The first thing I thought, “God, why?” Isn’t that the question it always ultimately comes down to? “God why?” Then I get mad at myself for doubting God. I want to do the right thing, the ultimately good thing to do, but the truth is I’m not sure I can--be okay that is, okay with what’s happened, okay with what the future holds. I’m not okay and today I’m deciding that not being okay is an okay place to be.

The Bible story that came to me when I was contemplating all of this it’s okay to not be okay business was the story of Joseph—the guy who got sold into slavery by his own brothers. He was led down as a slave to Egypt where he served in the household of an Egyptian elitist and eventually gained a reputation for bringing only good to his master’s house. Then a greedy and conniving woman got him fired and jailed when she claimed he tried to rape her.

There Joseph goes back to the bottom of the barrel. Surely he had to have been reeling from such news. Did he wonder: ‘God why? Why me? Why now? I thought you were doing something here, something good. First I lose my family, my life, my freedom, and everything I knew about the world. Then you let me rise to the top only to approve my demise. Now I live in prison with no hope of parole.’

Those are questions I would have asked if I had been Joseph. Those are the questions burning in my heart now. God why?

Eventually, Joseph is freed from prison and becomes second in command to Pharaoh himself. And when those brothers who betrayed him come begging for mercy, he not only forgives them, he releases them from any retribution:

Did you catch that? God did it. You know we blame God for the bad things that happen to us and here is the proof. Joseph says to his brothers, “God did it.”

But Joseph isn’t accusatory in saying this about God. No, Joseph sees the big picture now that the nightmare he lived out has finally come to an end. You see a famine has hit the area, a seven year famine. Because of some dreams and good foresight, Joseph has been in charge of storing up enough grain to last through those seven years of famine.

The famine is so serious that it stretches and reaches the area where Joseph’s entire family faces death by starvation. The same brothers who sold him into slavery are forced to travel to Egypt to beg for help. Eventually, what Joseph provides them with is more than enough, and Joseph’s entire family is saved.

In the end, Joseph blames God and he’s right, but for the first time he realizes an important truth. God brought the situation about to save his family. God did it.

Now, I am sitting here in this place between trust and doubt, bitterness and forgiveness, faith and unbelief. All places I’ve been before. Much as Joseph, much as Job, I sit here wondering, God why? I don’t have any answers really, and maybe that’s okay.

It’s okay to not be okay. That’s where I am right now, and that’s where I’ll stand. And that’s where I’ll write about being. I’m not okay and that’s okay.

Psalm 33:4 For the word of the Lord holds true, and everything he does is worthy of our trust.

Everything? Everything.

I love the psalms. There are so many I have underlined in my Bible and hidden in my heart. Of all the books in the Bible, Psalms is the one I cherish the most. That’s because I started going to the psalms for comfort when I entered college. When times were bad I looked there to discover more about the God who was saving me.

And when I dove into this book, I wasn’t disappointed. I found thousands of promises there just waiting for me to uncover. Looking back, I see clearly that God was not silent and hidden all those years that were tough. He was right there with me throughout the pages of the psalms.

Now I have a tattered and torn Bible, one I had to have rebound a few years back. Even though the guy repeatedly told me I’d be better off buying a new one, I wouldn’t give that Bible up for anything.

When I read through the psalms now it’s like coming home. So many verses are dated and underlined. Back then I did that because I wanted to take hold of each promise as if it were meant just for me. Those underlined verses were like manna to my soul. I highlighted them because I needed to remember I wasn’t alone. But I also underlined them as a reminder to God that I was paying attention and knew he was the One who kept every promise he ever made.

I know this may sound weird, but if there are any regrets I have over being diagnosed (yea, I told you it was weird) the biggest one is I don’t go to God’s Word nearly as much now that life is good.

So for a few weeks I’ll share my favorite verses from the psalms. Here’s a challenge though, don’t just take my advice and learn from my insight. Go to the book of Psalms for yourself. There you can find, keep, and own your favorite promises from God.

This whole psalm speaks volumes to me about living the Christian life. This past summer, my daughter and I talked about how important it is to make good choices when it comes to making friends.

Oh the joys of those who do not follow the advice of the wicked. At first, it may seem innocent enough. You start with following someone’s advice even if it’s bad or you know it’s wrong. At that point it’s like you’re walking into a bad situation.

 . . . or stand around with sinners Then before you know it you’re standing around with people you shouldn’t be.

 . . . or join in with scoffers. And if you hang around long enough you eventually join the gang and become one of them.

My heart understands this concept a little too well. When I was a junior in college, I dated someone I had no business being with. But I ignored the warning signs and began to slide down a slippery slope. Here’s why, he wasn’t a Christian. I thought I could save him by changing him, but the only one who changed was me. He had more influence on me then I care to admit and I did some things I’m not proud of.

So, when you’re choosing your traveling companions in life, it’s important to make wise choices. Think about who you surround yourself with and listen to your heart. Are there people in your life influencing and changing you from the person you want to be, that God wants you to be? If so, figure out where the relationship might be going wrong and walk, maybe even run away before it’s too late.

Those words still make me cringe. They're more or less the words my mom used to encourage me to appreciate the bad circumstance we face in life. You know what it did instead?  It made me hate the bad times all the more. I didn't want to hear about accepting the hard knocks in life. To me those words weren’t encouraging. So instead of welcoming Mom’s sound advice, when things were bad I chose to wallow in my misery and swim around in my sulkiness.

But awhile back when I was talking to a friend about some difficult moments in her life, I realized that the strong, independent woman I admire so much may not have existed had she not gone through some of her own hard times.

Now, I know better. It's through life's difficulties that I've learned to be hopeful, patient, more kind, more empathetic. My tenacity and ability to bounce back from difficult situations has increased ten-fold since I've been forced to learn to let things go and trust God for the outcomes of life's struggles.

Hard times have also made my faith grow like crazy. When things are tough you learn to hold on to hope. At times it's the only thing you have left to hang on to. When you see the seed of hope growing up to be the strong and mighty oak of reality, it makes you realize that the bad times are worth it . . . in the end.

So I guess Mother really does know best—the days that are good are much sweeter because of the struggles in life. Even more important, accepting each day for what it is makes me more content, less afraid, and ready for anything that comes my way—the good or the bad. And that, my friends, is a pretty beautiful place to be.

Hebrews 12:10 . . . But God’s discipline is always right and good for us because it means we will share in his holiness. No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening—it is painful. But afterward there will be a quiet harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way. (NLT)

Well, we did it. My family and I made it through a week of being unplugged. And, we survived.

This past week my family and I attended a Bible Camp in Colorado. We were WAY high up in the mountains--a place where no cell service was available. In some ways that didn't matter. It was beautiful there. Majestic, quiet, and tranquil. Well, mostly tranquil. The exception being when my ten and eight-year-old had a no-holds barred battle. Otherwise, though, camp was a restful, rejuvenating place to be.

While there, I did recall some important truths to share. These reminders weren't major. They were more like affirmation of things I already knew but needed a refresher course in.

#1 Towards the end of our stay, I got an itch to be back in the "civilized" world. I noticed though that the longer I was up there, the more I wondered if we were, in fact, living the civilized life on the mountaintop. 

Up in the mountains we talked to each other, uninterrupted. We listened to one another. We were in the moment, enjoying it for all it was worth.  It's amazing how well you can get to know one another when you listen, really listen to people's stories.

Yes, it was hard to not go to my phone every five minutes. But I definitely came back with a desire to stop letting my smart phone interrupt my beautiful life.

#2 While there, I read a book called 100 Days of Real Food by Lisa Leake. It was fascinating and intimidating all at the same time. I know some things need to change in my family's diet. Since I'm the chief cook and bottle washer, that responsibility falls to me. While I'm excited to learn to cook and enjoy real food again, I am well aware of the fact that I struggle to be consistent with a plan and stay with it for the long haul.

My son knows this all too well. When I discussed the changes I was going to make, he responded with an eye roll and commented that, "You always tell us you're changing our diet, and it never lasts." Ouch. He's right. I know he is. But rather than being discouraged, I remembered this truth. It's more important to try and fail than to never try at all.

#3 You don't have to be in the mountains to encounter God. It's just a bit more difficult to recognize him in the busy world we live in. But he's never far away if we would just take the time to acknowledge his presence. He's with us every step of the way, whether we're on the mountain top or stuck in what seems to be a deep never-ending valley.

While I was refreshed, encouraged, and enlightened this past week, it dawned on me that no one else would benefit from what I learned if I stayed put. The thing is, I'm supposed to be down here, in the valley, doing God's will--the work he planned for me to do even before I was born. Though the mountains were amazing, coming down was even more important.

Lastly, an encouragement and a challenge. Even if you don't get to experience a week of mountaintop living, find a way to slow down this summer, settle in, and do some of your own reflecting. Maybe you'll come back with your own list of all that you learned and remembered about this thing we call life.