The other night I had another dream that just may be a game changer for me. I know that might sound weird, that a dream could change your whole life, but I believe in some ways it may just save me from something that has held me captive for far too long, FEAR. Even as I write this fear is nibbling at the corners of my mind, trying to hold me captive in its grasp. I’m not good enough. My words don’t matter, People will think I’m weird for what I’m writing. These and so many thoughts like it have haunted me, hunted me down for most of my life.

 I wonder if you have any fears or thoughts that are holding you captive. You’re not good enough, you’re incompetent, you’re a fool. You’re unworthy. You’re not lovable. Well, in the hopes that what I dreamt might be a game changer for you, too, I’m going to share what has given me so much hope these last couple of days.

This is how the dream went. This is why it was so powerful to me. It was a simple dream as dreams go. Didn’t last too long, but when I woke from it it was like someone had turned a lightbulb on for me. I dreamt that I was in a house and something or someone was trying to get at me. Even in my dream, I remember being afraid. So what did I try to do? What every other human being on the planet does I believe when they’re afraid, I tried to barricade myself away from it. I was locking doors in an attempt to keep “IT” out.

Then something occurred to me; no matter how hard I tried I was not going to be able to keep it out. It was too powerful. All my defenses were no match for it. In that moment, I thought to myself, ‘Maybe instead of barricading myself away, I just need to face it.’ And that’s what I did. I opened the door and shouted, “I’m not afraid of you.” And that’s when I woke up. That simple dream, that profound dream hit me at just the right time.

I have some tough situations I’m facing at work right now. I won’t go into detail, but they are challenging me like nothing ever has before and many times this year, I’ve found myself cowering in fear because of them. And then, the other day, while dealing with one of those situations, that dream flitted like a butterfly in front of me. I thought, what am I so afraid of, why am I so afraid. Why don’t I just face this thing head on.

So I did. I faced my fears, some that have been with me for so long. I’m not good enough. What I do won’t work. I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m incompetent, incapable. And maybe in some way, some of those things are true, but the thing is God never asked us to be perfect, He has that perfection thing down for us, I think he simply asks that we fling the doors that hold us back and face our fears head on.

I don’t have to hide from fear and neither do you. You don’t have to lock yourself away from it. You don’t have to cower or struggle to get out of its mighty grip. Simply face it. Meet it straight on and watch it dissipate before your very eyes.

I think part of the thing about fear is that it makes us think we’re not strong enough to deal with it. Picture it this way. Someone has taken the chains off of you; something that has been holding you captive possibly your whole life but instead of running free getting out of that cell, you stay frozen, afraid of the possibility that you might be captured again.

Let me assure you of this. Someone has come who has set you free.  Rather than being afraid I think he wants you to enjoy the freedom he won for you - to simply run out of or away from whatever has held you captive most of your life. It seems so simple but then why is it so hard to do?

The Bible says that perfect love casts out fear and I’ve always wondered what that meant. Well, last night I had another dream that reminded me, while I may still face this foe FEAR, I no longer be held captive by it. The dream went this way. Someone was approaching me and I knew he meant to do me harm, I sensed that. Meanwhile someone else was watching me and I was waiting for that person to rescue me. Then something took hold of me, a strength I didn’t realize I had. Before I knew it I had wrestled this being who was trying to hurt me to the ground and had him pinned. I had defeated him and then just like that he was gone.

The thing is, I don’t believe that I’m never going to be afraid again, fear will always be crouching in the corner ready to pounce, but now I know with certainty, I don’t have to let it win. I can fling the doors wide open and meet it head on. I hope these dreams and simple stories will help you with the fears you face. Until next time.

There is a recurring dream that I’ve had ever since I was a child. It’s not the same dream every time, but it seems to have a consistent theme - the theme that I am adored. The dream usually plays out like this. I’m in a room with a group of people and there’s a man there who thinks I’m amazing, talented, gifted, unique. In short, he only has as eyes for me. It’s a love I can’t express even with the word adore. It’s a love that leaves me feeling whole, complete, enough, desired and a million other words that are hard to express.

Last night, I had this same type of dream and when I woke up, I clearly remembered it. In the Psalms, David talks about how even at night his heart instructs him in the ways of God. I can’t help but feel that this dream is God’s way of teaching me something about myself: I am adored by Him - the One who is over all, and in all, and through all. He adores me.

But the thing is, it’s not just me he adores. He adores you, too. Have you ever thought about that, the fact that you are adored by God? Before you brush that thought like a piece of dandruff off your shoulder, hear me out.

My husband adores me. I’m sure of it. I can see it in the way he looks at me, smiles at me, hugs me. He’s happy I’m part of his life. The problem is that, though he has told me on several occasions how beautiful I am, how amazing I am, I’ve always kind of brushed his comments aside. It’s as if I don’t feel worthy of being adored. And that’s the problem with adoration, it’s easy to nudge aside those feelings that we are wanted and desired because we don’t feel we’re worthy of those things.

But imagine, if we did - believe that we were desirable, adored. Imagine how that might change the way we think about ourselves, feel about ourselves. If we allowed that essential truth to consume our hearts and our minds, imagine how that would change us. Wouldn’t the world be a different place? I think that if I were to soak up my Father’s admiration for me, I wouldn’t be so afraid. I wouldn’t constantly beat myself up for what I feel are my shortcomings. I would be at peace. I would be at rest. I would live lavishly in love.

I have a cat. No, I’m not a crazy cat lady, but she is very special to me. You might say, I adore her. You wouldn’t be far from the truth. Her name is Molly and she’s a black and white beauty with just a touch of pink in her nose and on her paws. She’s adorable. What’s more, I think she adores me. She purrs when I pet her. She snuggles up to me in bed each night and “hugs” me with her paw. She’s happy with me. It leaves me wondering, why don’t I allow myself to experience the adoration my Father has for me.

How about you? Do you know that you are adored? More than that, do you live like you are adored? The Bible says that perfect love casts out fear. The amazing part of this story? God’s love for us is perfect. When we live in it, we really have nothing to fear. Not life. Not death. Not the future. Not our mistakes, and sins, and shortcomings. None of it can separate us from a Father who adores us.

Take time in your life to be adored. Soak it up when your spouse or child gives you a hug for being you, or when your friend sends you a card letting you know how much you mean to them. Even when your favorite pet cuddles up to you, it’s a chance to experience what it’s like to be adored. Then remember, for all you are adored in this life by your people, in your circle of influence, you are completely and utterly adored by a God in heaven who is for you and not against you. In that knowledge, find peace, and hope and life.

I have something to admit. I’ve been watching Game of Thrones. Can’t say I like every aspect of it, but it does have a lot of interesting characters and story lines. Here’s the deal though: lately I find myself not being able to stomach some of what I watch. Yes, I’m partially referring to the blood, guts, and gore, but there’s more to it than that.

I hate that the bad guys always seem to be getting away with being bad. You know what I mean. I haven’t watched it for several days now because the last episode had one of the bad guys getting away with killing someone off because, essentially, they were trying to do the right thing. I realize I’m being a bit simplistic, but it does leave me wondering why I’m so frustrated with the show at times.

I’m a girl who likes a happy ending. What's more, I’m not very patient when the middle parts are yucky and bad things are happening to good people. If I had it my way, I’d also like a happy beginning and middle thrown into the mix. In my post, A Good Story, I write about how I prefer to watch movies where there is mostly happiness going on - think Hallmark Channel movies. Maybe that’s why I’m frustrated with GOT.

The thing about life is we know our happy ending. We know because Jesus told us about it when he lived on this earth. After he ascended into heaven, he appeared to his disciple John and gave him a revelation of that new life - a place where there will be no more death, or crying, or pain. So, I know the ending will be happy, but, in the meanwhile, I hate so many things about the parts in between.

A few weeks ago, there was a horrific accident in a small NE town that we used to call home. Four young high school girls were killed in a gruesome car crash. It left that small-town reeling. These are girls who were only a few years older than my oldest and my heart breaks for the pain and suffering those families, friends and neighbors are dealing with. It seems like in some ways, evil wins.

And maybe on some levels, evil has the upper hand, but that’s when we need to take a closer look at what is really going on. What’s really going on is that we live in a world that doesn’t have particularly happy beginnings and middles, but we have a God who has promised us a happily-ever-after if you will.

When my mom passed away several years ago, my heart was broken. Every day, I missed her and wished I could still reach out and call her.  The deal is, though, she doesn’t miss me. Oh, maybe on some levels she does, but I think she’s happy in the knowledge that we’ll see each other again someday. Meanwhile, she is living out her days in blissful joy - in a place where there is no more death, or crying, or pain. A place with no more messy, middle parts. A place worth calling home.

So, GOT may not always have the happiest of middles and, who knows, I may not even like the ending. But, unlike GOT, the middles we go through in this life have potential to turn into great endings. Keep that in mind and in that knowledge press on.

I have felt dry lately, spiritually speaking. Have you ever felt that way? Like you’re in a desert sort of place with no hint of water anywhere? I haven’t felt like going to church, haven’t felt like reading my Bible, haven’t felt anything really.  A few weeks ago, I sat and thought about what was wrong. Why was I feeling this way? I even sent a few desperate pleas heavenward, hoping things would change, that a stream would burst forth, or I would be magically transported to some type of oasis. But nothing. For the longest time, nothing.

It was bad enough that I joked one day, I was becoming anti-God. If you know much about me, you know that really has never been an issue for me. I’m not saying I’ve always felt close to God, but usually I’m on more speaking terms with him.

Then I remembered something or rather I tried something. I started to whisper one-word prayers heavenward. Here are some of the words I used:

Hope, light, life, faith, patience, faithfulness, truth, knowledge, peace.

Really the list could go on and on. After all, when it comes to prayers, using one word to lift them heavenward really isn’t such a bad idea. I was reminded of a story I had heard at a camp I worked at one summer.

There was this guy who was good at darts - infamous for hitting the bullseye every time. One day another fellow asked to watch this guy practice. He wanted to see for himself what was going on. So, the pro took him to the side of the barn. At first the guy was puzzled when he turned the corner. There were no bullseyes anywhere on the side of the barn. He watched, mystified, as the pro raised his bow and shot at the barn. Then, after releasing his bow, he walked up to the barn and drew the perfect bullseye around it.

That’s what I did with my one-word prayer. Sent it heavenward waiting for God to draw a bullseye around it. That’s what, by faith, I believe happened. God took every one-word prayer and did something with it. Because he’s God and nothing is impossible with him. Because the Spirit intercedes for us with sighs too deep for words to express

If you’re feeling lost in a desert place, try something, try this, try anything. God is listening. He is. Maybe this is your chance to give him a tiny fish or a single slice of bread and watch him work miracles with those things - turning them into something he can bless someone else with.

I’m not completely out of that desert place, but I feel better these days in the knowledge that God is indeed listening to me and he knows my every need even before I ask him.

com·mence·ment
/kəˈmensmənt/
noun
noun: commencement; plural noun: commencements
1. a beginning or start. "at the commencement of training"
synonyms: beginning, start, starting point, opening, outset, onset, launch, initiation, inception, birth, dawn, origin;

Well, it's officially over: my commencement, and yes, I made it. Three weeks ago I graduated with my master's degree. That long chapter is finally over. I haven't written since then because I've been pretty burned out on writing. Something about writing three major papers in one week's time had me a bit tired of my computer and, truth be told, I'm a little out of practice for writing a blog having not written one for awhile.

But, I figured it was time to share some thoughts about this whole journey of getting my degree and lessons I've learned along the way.

The other week, when I was looking up the word commencement, I found the following definition. 1. a beginning or start. "at the commencement of training". Seems like a strange definition since it's actually the end of something, namely me getting my master's. But something about  it really struck me as fitting when it comes to describing graduation, because in many ways it is the beginning of something.

You see, there were quite a few times on this journey, when I had to convince myself that I was going to get my degree. My last class was tough and, if you recall, I was taking two at once. There were many nights when I had nightmares that I wasn't going to pass my final project. Once I turned it in, it seemed like an eternity waiting to find out if I had, indeed, passed it. It had me so stressed out that I finally decided I needed to take control. I began repeating this mantra to myself, "I can't wait to cross that stage in May and get my diploma." There were plenty of days when I simply didn't believe it was possible, but I kept repeating that phrase. Now, looking back, I don't know why I ever doubted.

But it seems like doubting is the human existence and it's a quality of mine that is really hard to shake. That's because faith is the opposite of doubt. As the Bible puts it, faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.  See, it's easy to have faith when you have what you want in your grasp. The bigger challenge is having faith before you've actually received what you're hoping for. Having that kind of faith takes guts, and grit, and courage, and it takes a certain amount of trust in the One we can't see.

So maybe the beginning of this next chapter in my life is about having faith. Faith that God is for me. Faith that he crazy loves me. Faith that I'm his child and that nothing can separate me from him.  Whatever trials or difficulties you're facing in your life right now, have courage and keep the faith. Take a lesson from my story and remember that faith is about believing even when you can't see. Most importantly, remember that our faith is in a God who doesn't disappoint. In that knowledge, press on and keep the faith.

I’ve been struggling lately. It has to do with the class that I’m taking. It feels like I’m not going to make it through. Yet I know I know that the God who has gotten me through every other struggle I’ve faced in this journey to get my degree, will certainly carry me through this.

It’s been hard and I’m not going to sugar coat it. It has to do with not getting the kind of grades that I’m used to getting. I’ve got a tough professor, she’s a tough grader, and I’ve never felt like I’m on such shaky ground as now.

I’m trying to remember what and how faithful God has been through this whole process and how he is my rock. My solid standing ground, and I don’t need to be afraid of anything.

So I’ve learned this prayer that I’m going to share with you. It’s called the palms up, palms down prayer and it’s one that I used today when I was having my quiet time. It works this way. When you put your palms down, you give God everything that is troubling or hassling you, things that are hampering or preventing you from feeling his all-encompassing peace.

Then you put your palms up in a posture of receiving and you ask God to fill you with all that is from him. His goodness, his unconditional love, his peace. It takes some time and a little bit of discipline, but after doing that this morning, I am feeling much better, more relaxed, more at ease, more in control of my emotions.

Try this prayer in the next few weeks and see where it leads you. May the palms up, palms down prayer be a source of comfort for you as it was for me. In the next couple of weeks, if you are so led, say prayers that I keep God’s peace at the center as I finish up my degree. ‘Til next time.

Classes start up for me in just a matter of days and I will not have much time for writing once they do. So, I thought I would take some time today to write something just for fun. It is about feelings and how they mislead me in my thoughts, words and actions at times and my perceptions about myself and the world around me.

I call them feelings nothing more than feelings. Do you remember that song by Morris Albert? It’s kind of a cheesy song but it adequately describes how I can let my feelings, which, after all, are just feelings dictate how I’m, well, feeling about myself and the world around me.

Let me give you an example. Today I was on a walk stewing and wallowing in guilt about how much screen time my kids have had lately and feeling like I was a bad parent for not controlling it more. Usually, on my walk, I like to spend some time in prayer so as I walked, I found myself uttering something like this, “Lord I feel like such a bad parent these days. I feel like I’m always making poor choices and parenting out of those poor choices. I feel like I’m failing miserably at this parenting thing.”

And suddenly it dawned on me. In my prayer, I had used the word, feeling three times in a row. And it made me wonder something. Am I letting my feelings dictate how I perceive myself and the world around me?

The problem with feelings? They’re not facts. They’re not based in truth. They’re based in emotions. And just because I feel like something isn’t going well, or I’m not being a very good parent, or I’ve been lazy lately doesn’t, in fact, mean that these things are true.

I once heard it put this way: If we let feelings or emotions lead the way in our spiritual life, we’re letting the caboose lead the train. What we should be led by is facts, facts based in truth and based in faith.

Just because you feel like a bad parent doesn’t mean that you are. Just because you feel like you’re lazy, doesn’t mean you are. I’m not saying feelings aren’t valid, but they shouldn’t’ be the leader in your life. They shouldn’t’ dictate what you think about yourself, other people, and the world around you. Truth should do that.

Today, because I was feeling like a bad parent, it turned me into a grouch and I treated my children in a grouchy way. I wasn’t parenting out of faith and truth. I was parenting based on my feelings and my fears. And I don’t’ think anything is done well or properly when it’s based in feelings or fears.

While I couldn’t find any good verses about emotions or feelings, I did find one about fear. Which, after all, is another feeling, another emotion and not a particularly good one.

Isaiah 8:13 -14

Do not fear anything except the Lord Almighty. He alone is the Holy One. If you fear him, you need fear nothing else. He will keep you safe. (NLT)

Did you catch that? If we fear God, we need fear nothing else, not even our feelings. So, don’t let your feelings be the engine that drives your train. Put feelings in their proper place and let faith and truth be your guide. In that Spirit, I will sign off. ‘Til next time.  

I am feeling very not creative right now. I don't know if it's because I'm tired of writing and just want nothing to do with it at this point in time. Regardless, yesterday, I felt inspired to write because of something I saw on TV. Though my words may not be very eloquent or adequate to explain what I saw, nevertheless, I want to try to share what captured my heart and attention and brought tears to my eyes.

Yesterday, my family and I were packing up after spending a weekend at my mom-in-laws house. As I was rolling my suitcase to the front door,  a melody on the TV caught my attention. It was a beautiful melody and I found myself drawn to it. It was the beginning of a song called One Voice performed by the United States Air Force Band at the National Cathedral in Washington D.C. At first, I thought it was kind of a strange song for them to be playing but as the song unfolded, I understood exactly why they were playing this song at this time of year.

In our country right now there are lots of voices vying for positions of power and authority. But it seems to me that there is a better way to make our voices heard above the fray and that is to find common ground and truth to stand on - to unite as one people with one voice.

In this New Year, I challenge you to find a way to be a voice of reason, truth, of love and of peace. Yes, to have the last word seems at the time to be wildly satisfying, but if it does nothing to serve our neighbor than is truly a victory?

 I included the link below and I hope that you will watch it and be inspired to see what a great country we call our home and how important it is that we find ways to stand united even when we disagree with each other.

Anyway, Happy New Year and God's blessings be yours in abundance. 'Til next time.

One Voice
by the Wailin' Jennys

This is the sound of one voice
One spirit, one voice
The sound of one who makes a choice
This is the sound of one voice
This is the sound of one voice

This is the sound of voices two
The sound of me singing with you
Helping each other to make it through
This is the sound of voices two
This is the sound of voices two

This is the sound of voices three
Singing together in harmony
Surrendering to the mystery
This is the sound of voices three
This is the sound of voices three

This is the sound of all of us
Singing with love and the will to trust
Leave the rest behind, it'll turn to dust
This is the sound of all of us
This is the sound of all of us

This is the sound of one voice
One people, one voice
A song for every one of us
This is the sound of one voice
This is the sound of one voice

The poem, A Word, is one I wrote in college.  It came together recently when I reflected on why, in his Gospel, John would choose to refer to Jesus as the Word.  Hope it gives you something to think about too. During this busy season, find time to reflect on the true reason for Christmas. 

A Word

I’m speechless.
Words stir around inside my brain
Frozen,
Suspended on my tongue,
Longing to be released.
 
Maybe if I sigh
Words will wrap themselves
Around that skeleton,
And you’ll understand the meaning
I can’t seem to express.
 
It could be summed up,
This feeling,
In a single word I’m sure.
But why is it so hard
To choose the right one?
 
Did YOU struggle to find the perfect word?
Did YOU wonder which one
Would communicate your heart,
Your thoughts,
To a world in need? 
 
You chose one word
Poignant, brief.
Jesus.
He became
Your Word Incarnate.
 
He was a Word of hope
And healing,
One of love,
Forgiveness,
A Word of redemption.
 
Who knew
That a single word,
The one YOU chose,
Could mean
So much?
 
So here I sit
In amazement
And silence
Waiting to find the perfect word
To thank you. 

So, I'm sitting here in Panera writing a blog post, when really I should be writing my paper, but when inspiration strikes, it strikes, and I find myself wanting to write. Besides, this is an important post about thankfulness so I am just going to write and let the paper be for just a little while.

You might ask, what was it that inspired me to write today, a mountaintop experience, a particularly poignant verse from Scripture, a beautiful piece of artwork? Nope, it was none of the above. Rather it was a commercial, a radio commercial about Black Friday, or as it should more aptly be called, Black Thursday. That's what it's come to. Shopping on a day when we are supposed to be counting our many, many blessings.

See, as I was driving down the road, the commercial came on with the announcement that a local mall would be opening on Thursday night at 5 and I couldn't help but chuckle at the irony. We are putting aside our thankfulness earlier and earlier in favor of finding a good deal.

Don't get me wrong, I love Black Friday as much as the next person. (Well, actually I kind of hate it. I'm not much for crowds and hustle and bustle so really I've never found much appeal when it comes to Black Friday.) But, I really am not against finding a good deal. There's a lot of joy that comes from finding a good bargain and it makes sense to find ways to save during a financially taxing part of the year. I guess what I am against, is the fact that we're letting it overshadow what the day of Thankfulness is really about.

A few Thanksgivings ago, when I was spending the holiday at an aunt and uncle's I recall a prayer that my aunt uttered that day that has stuck with me over the years. It was simple and yet very profound. "Lord, teach us to love You, the Giver, more than we love the gifts you give us." Isn't that  a beautiful thought, to be thankful for the Giver and not just the many many gifts he pours out into our lives.

And there are plenty of gifts that he pours into our lives. Blessing after blessing of daily bread and friendship, gifts and desires fulfilled, wants and needs taken care of. Day after day, so many things we take for granted, are laid at our feet without us really taking stock of a God whose mercies are new every morning.

This of all the months of the year, after an abundant harvest has been gathered, is a time to be thankful. But not just thankful for the gifts, more importantly, thankfulness for the Giver, the One who pours out blessings without keeping track. The one who gives ungrudgingly to  a people that aren't  always as grateful as we should be.

So in honor of Thanksgiving I've decided to write a list of things I'm grateful for that have to do with God. I hope it inspires you to make your own list of reasons you're thankful to our Good and Gracious Heavenly Father.

I'm thankful for:

A God whose mercies are new every morning.
A God who love me beyond measure.
A God who knows every thought and desire of my heart and willingly fulfills those desires in his own time and in his own good way.
A God who doesn't treat me as my sins deserve.
A God who is unfailingly patient with me and my many many shortcomings.
A God who doesn't hold grudges.
A God who looks out for the poor and weak and lowly.
A God who sacrificed everything to save me from my sins.
A God who guides and keeps me day by day.

I think you get the idea. Really, when I think about it, the list could go on and on. So I guess in this season of Thanksgiving, find a way to be grateful not just for the gifts but for the Giver himself. Happy Thanksgiving to you all!