I have felt dry lately, spiritually speaking. Have you ever felt that way? Like you’re in a desert sort of place with no hint of water anywhere? I haven’t felt like going to church, haven’t felt like reading my Bible, haven’t felt anything really.  A few weeks ago, I sat and thought about what was wrong. Why was I feeling this way? I even sent a few desperate pleas heavenward, hoping things would change, that a stream would burst forth, or I would be magically transported to some type of oasis. But nothing. For the longest time, nothing.

It was bad enough that I joked one day, I was becoming anti-God. If you know much about me, you know that really has never been an issue for me. I’m not saying I’ve always felt close to God, but usually I’m on more speaking terms with him.

Then I remembered something or rather I tried something. I started to whisper one-word prayers heavenward. Here are some of the words I used:

Hope, light, life, faith, patience, faithfulness, truth, knowledge, peace.

Really the list could go on and on. After all, when it comes to prayers, using one word to lift them heavenward really isn’t such a bad idea. I was reminded of a story I had heard at a camp I worked at one summer.

There was this guy who was good at darts - infamous for hitting the bullseye every time. One day another fellow asked to watch this guy practice. He wanted to see for himself what was going on. So, the pro took him to the side of the barn. At first the guy was puzzled when he turned the corner. There were no bullseyes anywhere on the side of the barn. He watched, mystified, as the pro raised his bow and shot at the barn. Then, after releasing his bow, he walked up to the barn and drew the perfect bullseye around it.

That’s what I did with my one-word prayer. Sent it heavenward waiting for God to draw a bullseye around it. That’s what, by faith, I believe happened. God took every one-word prayer and did something with it. Because he’s God and nothing is impossible with him. Because the Spirit intercedes for us with sighs too deep for words to express

If you’re feeling lost in a desert place, try something, try this, try anything. God is listening. He is. Maybe this is your chance to give him a tiny fish or a single slice of bread and watch him work miracles with those things - turning them into something he can bless someone else with.

I’m not completely out of that desert place, but I feel better these days in the knowledge that God is indeed listening to me and he knows my every need even before I ask him.

com·mence·ment
/kəˈmensmənt/
noun
noun: commencement; plural noun: commencements
1. a beginning or start. "at the commencement of training"
synonyms: beginning, start, starting point, opening, outset, onset, launch, initiation, inception, birth, dawn, origin;

Well, it's officially over: my commencement, and yes, I made it. Three weeks ago I graduated with my master's degree. That long chapter is finally over. I haven't written since then because I've been pretty burned out on writing. Something about writing three major papers in one week's time had me a bit tired of my computer and, truth be told, I'm a little out of practice for writing a blog having not written one for awhile.

But, I figured it was time to share some thoughts about this whole journey of getting my degree and lessons I've learned along the way.

The other week, when I was looking up the word commencement, I found the following definition. 1. a beginning or start. "at the commencement of training". Seems like a strange definition since it's actually the end of something, namely me getting my master's. But something about  it really struck me as fitting when it comes to describing graduation, because in many ways it is the beginning of something.

You see, there were quite a few times on this journey, when I had to convince myself that I was going to get my degree. My last class was tough and, if you recall, I was taking two at once. There were many nights when I had nightmares that I wasn't going to pass my final project. Once I turned it in, it seemed like an eternity waiting to find out if I had, indeed, passed it. It had me so stressed out that I finally decided I needed to take control. I began repeating this mantra to myself, "I can't wait to cross that stage in May and get my diploma." There were plenty of days when I simply didn't believe it was possible, but I kept repeating that phrase. Now, looking back, I don't know why I ever doubted.

But it seems like doubting is the human existence and it's a quality of mine that is really hard to shake. That's because faith is the opposite of doubt. As the Bible puts it, faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.  See, it's easy to have faith when you have what you want in your grasp. The bigger challenge is having faith before you've actually received what you're hoping for. Having that kind of faith takes guts, and grit, and courage, and it takes a certain amount of trust in the One we can't see.

So maybe the beginning of this next chapter in my life is about having faith. Faith that God is for me. Faith that he crazy loves me. Faith that I'm his child and that nothing can separate me from him.  Whatever trials or difficulties you're facing in your life right now, have courage and keep the faith. Take a lesson from my story and remember that faith is about believing even when you can't see. Most importantly, remember that our faith is in a God who doesn't disappoint. In that knowledge, press on and keep the faith.

I’ve been struggling lately. It has to do with the class that I’m taking. It feels like I’m not going to make it through. Yet I know I know that the God who has gotten me through every other struggle I’ve faced in this journey to get my degree, will certainly carry me through this.

It’s been hard and I’m not going to sugar coat it. It has to do with not getting the kind of grades that I’m used to getting. I’ve got a tough professor, she’s a tough grader, and I’ve never felt like I’m on such shaky ground as now.

I’m trying to remember what and how faithful God has been through this whole process and how he is my rock. My solid standing ground, and I don’t need to be afraid of anything.

So I’ve learned this prayer that I’m going to share with you. It’s called the palms up, palms down prayer and it’s one that I used today when I was having my quiet time. It works this way. When you put your palms down, you give God everything that is troubling or hassling you, things that are hampering or preventing you from feeling his all-encompassing peace.

Then you put your palms up in a posture of receiving and you ask God to fill you with all that is from him. His goodness, his unconditional love, his peace. It takes some time and a little bit of discipline, but after doing that this morning, I am feeling much better, more relaxed, more at ease, more in control of my emotions.

Try this prayer in the next few weeks and see where it leads you. May the palms up, palms down prayer be a source of comfort for you as it was for me. In the next couple of weeks, if you are so led, say prayers that I keep God’s peace at the center as I finish up my degree. ‘Til next time.

Classes start up for me in just a matter of days and I will not have much time for writing once they do. So, I thought I would take some time today to write something just for fun. It is about feelings and how they mislead me in my thoughts, words and actions at times and my perceptions about myself and the world around me.

I call them feelings nothing more than feelings. Do you remember that song by Morris Albert? It’s kind of a cheesy song but it adequately describes how I can let my feelings, which, after all, are just feelings dictate how I’m, well, feeling about myself and the world around me.

Let me give you an example. Today I was on a walk stewing and wallowing in guilt about how much screen time my kids have had lately and feeling like I was a bad parent for not controlling it more. Usually, on my walk, I like to spend some time in prayer so as I walked, I found myself uttering something like this, “Lord I feel like such a bad parent these days. I feel like I’m always making poor choices and parenting out of those poor choices. I feel like I’m failing miserably at this parenting thing.”

And suddenly it dawned on me. In my prayer, I had used the word, feeling three times in a row. And it made me wonder something. Am I letting my feelings dictate how I perceive myself and the world around me?

The problem with feelings? They’re not facts. They’re not based in truth. They’re based in emotions. And just because I feel like something isn’t going well, or I’m not being a very good parent, or I’ve been lazy lately doesn’t, in fact, mean that these things are true.

I once heard it put this way: If we let feelings or emotions lead the way in our spiritual life, we’re letting the caboose lead the train. What we should be led by is facts, facts based in truth and based in faith.

Just because you feel like a bad parent doesn’t mean that you are. Just because you feel like you’re lazy, doesn’t mean you are. I’m not saying feelings aren’t valid, but they shouldn’t’ be the leader in your life. They shouldn’t’ dictate what you think about yourself, other people, and the world around you. Truth should do that.

Today, because I was feeling like a bad parent, it turned me into a grouch and I treated my children in a grouchy way. I wasn’t parenting out of faith and truth. I was parenting based on my feelings and my fears. And I don’t’ think anything is done well or properly when it’s based in feelings or fears.

While I couldn’t find any good verses about emotions or feelings, I did find one about fear. Which, after all, is another feeling, another emotion and not a particularly good one.

Isaiah 8:13 -14

Do not fear anything except the Lord Almighty. He alone is the Holy One. If you fear him, you need fear nothing else. He will keep you safe. (NLT)

Did you catch that? If we fear God, we need fear nothing else, not even our feelings. So, don’t let your feelings be the engine that drives your train. Put feelings in their proper place and let faith and truth be your guide. In that Spirit, I will sign off. ‘Til next time.  

I am feeling very not creative right now. I don't know if it's because I'm tired of writing and just want nothing to do with it at this point in time. Regardless, yesterday, I felt inspired to write because of something I saw on TV. Though my words may not be very eloquent or adequate to explain what I saw, nevertheless, I want to try to share what captured my heart and attention and brought tears to my eyes.

Yesterday, my family and I were packing up after spending a weekend at my mom-in-laws house. As I was rolling my suitcase to the front door,  a melody on the TV caught my attention. It was a beautiful melody and I found myself drawn to it. It was the beginning of a song called One Voice performed by the United States Air Force Band at the National Cathedral in Washington D.C. At first, I thought it was kind of a strange song for them to be playing but as the song unfolded, I understood exactly why they were playing this song at this time of year.

In our country right now there are lots of voices vying for positions of power and authority. But it seems to me that there is a better way to make our voices heard above the fray and that is to find common ground and truth to stand on - to unite as one people with one voice.

In this New Year, I challenge you to find a way to be a voice of reason, truth, of love and of peace. Yes, to have the last word seems at the time to be wildly satisfying, but if it does nothing to serve our neighbor than is truly a victory?

 I included the link below and I hope that you will watch it and be inspired to see what a great country we call our home and how important it is that we find ways to stand united even when we disagree with each other.

Anyway, Happy New Year and God's blessings be yours in abundance. 'Til next time.

One Voice
by the Wailin' Jennys

This is the sound of one voice
One spirit, one voice
The sound of one who makes a choice
This is the sound of one voice
This is the sound of one voice

This is the sound of voices two
The sound of me singing with you
Helping each other to make it through
This is the sound of voices two
This is the sound of voices two

This is the sound of voices three
Singing together in harmony
Surrendering to the mystery
This is the sound of voices three
This is the sound of voices three

This is the sound of all of us
Singing with love and the will to trust
Leave the rest behind, it'll turn to dust
This is the sound of all of us
This is the sound of all of us

This is the sound of one voice
One people, one voice
A song for every one of us
This is the sound of one voice
This is the sound of one voice

The poem, A Word, is one I wrote in college.  It came together recently when I reflected on why, in his Gospel, John would choose to refer to Jesus as the Word.  Hope it gives you something to think about too. During this busy season, find time to reflect on the true reason for Christmas. 

A Word

I’m speechless.
Words stir around inside my brain
Frozen,
Suspended on my tongue,
Longing to be released.
 
Maybe if I sigh
Words will wrap themselves
Around that skeleton,
And you’ll understand the meaning
I can’t seem to express.
 
It could be summed up,
This feeling,
In a single word I’m sure.
But why is it so hard
To choose the right one?
 
Did YOU struggle to find the perfect word?
Did YOU wonder which one
Would communicate your heart,
Your thoughts,
To a world in need? 
 
You chose one word
Poignant, brief.
Jesus.
He became
Your Word Incarnate.
 
He was a Word of hope
And healing,
One of love,
Forgiveness,
A Word of redemption.
 
Who knew
That a single word,
The one YOU chose,
Could mean
So much?
 
So here I sit
In amazement
And silence
Waiting to find the perfect word
To thank you. 

So, I'm sitting here in Panera writing a blog post, when really I should be writing my paper, but when inspiration strikes, it strikes, and I find myself wanting to write. Besides, this is an important post about thankfulness so I am just going to write and let the paper be for just a little while.

You might ask, what was it that inspired me to write today, a mountaintop experience, a particularly poignant verse from Scripture, a beautiful piece of artwork? Nope, it was none of the above. Rather it was a commercial, a radio commercial about Black Friday, or as it should more aptly be called, Black Thursday. That's what it's come to. Shopping on a day when we are supposed to be counting our many, many blessings.

See, as I was driving down the road, the commercial came on with the announcement that a local mall would be opening on Thursday night at 5 and I couldn't help but chuckle at the irony. We are putting aside our thankfulness earlier and earlier in favor of finding a good deal.

Don't get me wrong, I love Black Friday as much as the next person. (Well, actually I kind of hate it. I'm not much for crowds and hustle and bustle so really I've never found much appeal when it comes to Black Friday.) But, I really am not against finding a good deal. There's a lot of joy that comes from finding a good bargain and it makes sense to find ways to save during a financially taxing part of the year. I guess what I am against, is the fact that we're letting it overshadow what the day of Thankfulness is really about.

A few Thanksgivings ago, when I was spending the holiday at an aunt and uncle's I recall a prayer that my aunt uttered that day that has stuck with me over the years. It was simple and yet very profound. "Lord, teach us to love You, the Giver, more than we love the gifts you give us." Isn't that  a beautiful thought, to be thankful for the Giver and not just the many many gifts he pours out into our lives.

And there are plenty of gifts that he pours into our lives. Blessing after blessing of daily bread and friendship, gifts and desires fulfilled, wants and needs taken care of. Day after day, so many things we take for granted, are laid at our feet without us really taking stock of a God whose mercies are new every morning.

This of all the months of the year, after an abundant harvest has been gathered, is a time to be thankful. But not just thankful for the gifts, more importantly, thankfulness for the Giver, the One who pours out blessings without keeping track. The one who gives ungrudgingly to  a people that aren't  always as grateful as we should be.

So in honor of Thanksgiving I've decided to write a list of things I'm grateful for that have to do with God. I hope it inspires you to make your own list of reasons you're thankful to our Good and Gracious Heavenly Father.

I'm thankful for:

A God whose mercies are new every morning.
A God who love me beyond measure.
A God who knows every thought and desire of my heart and willingly fulfills those desires in his own time and in his own good way.
A God who doesn't treat me as my sins deserve.
A God who is unfailingly patient with me and my many many shortcomings.
A God who doesn't hold grudges.
A God who looks out for the poor and weak and lowly.
A God who sacrificed everything to save me from my sins.
A God who guides and keeps me day by day.

I think you get the idea. Really, when I think about it, the list could go on and on. So I guess in this season of Thanksgiving, find a way to be grateful not just for the gifts but for the Giver himself. Happy Thanksgiving to you all!

Last night I had an entire house to myself, a rare thing in my life right now. While it can be a bit lonely, it’s also a great time to do things for myself – like watch cheesy girl movies and eat bad Chinese take-out. All in all, it was a nice refreshing change from the busy, hectic pace of family life.

Late that night before bed, I reached for my tried and trusty Bible, something I don’t have the luxury of doing much these days. It was like sitting down to read letters from a friend. You see I bought this Bible for myself back in 2000 - eighteen years ago, when life wasn’t so peachy keen.

This book got me through the toughest of times. All those years before I was diagnosed – those long years of silent suffering, no place and no one else was there for me like God was through his word. I reference this in one of my speaking engagements, Good Shepherd Lutheran Church's Woman's Health Conference.

“The one awesome thing about going undiagnosed for so many years is that I clung to God’s Word like nothing else.”

Truer words were never spoken. In an earlier blog, I wrote about how suicide was a dark thought that crossed my mind many times pre-diagnosis. I was that miserable. My post,  'This is called the I wish I didn't have to write this,' post,  references some of the verses that were especially important to me. These are the ones I laid at God’s feet waiting for the day when he would answer all the prayers that sometimes felt like they were falling on deaf ears, even though they weren’t.

The thing about God’s Word is that it’s living and active and, no matter how many times I’ve read a book of the Bible, or read verses that have been dated and underlined, they still speak to me. You see, the Bible isn’t just some dusty old thing I pull off the shelf every once in awhile when I feel  guilty or need some divine intervention. It truly is a life preserver for me, a compass, a love letter from a Heavenly Father who adores me more than words can say.

I think when I write my posts I’m drawing on all those years of being in his word and hiding it in my heart. They are truly the place of wisdom that one can’t find anywhere else. If you’ve enjoyed anything I’ve written over the past several years, if it’s inspired you or encouraged you, know that it didn’t come from me. It truly didn’t. It came from the wellspring of life flowing up within me. It came through the pain and suffering that made me wiser than anything else could have.

 So, do yourselves a favor. Open your Bibles, and find wisdom, and solace and truth there. And if you don’t particularly care for the translation you have, find another. The Bible pictured above is my copy of the New Living Translation, and I find it quite refreshing. I hope that you can find the same wisdom and knowledge I’ve found in the pages of God’s word and that when you read it, it blesses you beyond measure. Peace to you until next time.

For those of you who have been on this journey with me for a while, you know that I’ve been pursuing my Master’s in Special Education for some time. After this semester which is about half-way done, I have only one more semester before I graduate. That’s the good news.

The bad news? This last semester is promising to be a doozy. I have to take a class, do my internship, and now, thanks to the blessed state of Iowa, I have to pick up an extra practicum to make sure I get the endorsement I’m seeking. On top of that, I have one of the toughest professors I’ve had yet for this next semester’s class. I had to laugh when I went to sign up for the class yesterday, because it was the very professor I hoped not to get. Add the stress of being a special ed teacher and writing lots of IEPS this semester and well, you get the general idea.

I do believe that, as my husband puts it, I can do anything for a semester, but I will have to say that this upcoming one is not a semester I’m looking forward to. For now, I’ve settled in and am accepting that life will be a bit crazy. Truth be told, though, yesterday I had a few dozen freak-outs about it. Yesterday, I was overwhelmed in the knowledge of what I’m up against.

1 Thessalonians 5:22-24 New International Version (NIV)

23 May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. 24 The one who calls you is faithful, and he will do it.

I don’t know about you, but when I start to doubt God and his guidance and leading, I feel a bit guilty, like, how dare I doubt him when he’s done everything to prove that he is worthy of my trust. But the above verse is one that is tucked a way in the corner of my mind when it comes to feeling guilty about what I am or am not at this point in time.

Because it reminds me that I am not the one in charge of my own sanctification. That’s God’s job. I don’t have to be perfect. Through faith in Jesus I already am. And now, God’s growing me in goodness.

Instill: To introduce by gradual instruction. To pour in slowly by drops.

You see, all the lessons I’ve learned in life that have “stuck” are ones that I’ve learned over the years. The ones that have been instilled in me didn’t come all at once. It took time, to grow and mature and be all that I am now. I’m not exactly who I want to be, but there is freedom in the knowledge that right now, I am exactly who God has made me to be. And I don’t have to feel guilty about what I’m not, because God is in the details of changing me into who I want to be.

So, don’t get down on yourself for all that you’re not. Thank God for all that you are. Trust him to change you - the parts of you that need to change.  And let his peace dwell in your hearts and minds as you realize it’s not about you changing you, but about God working in you what is pleasing to him.

When something significant rears its ugly head in our country, I find myself wanting to write about it. But when it’s a controversial sort of something, there is a still small voice in me that says hold back. ‘No one wants to hear what you have to say. It doesn’t matter. It’s inconsequential.’ Perhaps all of that is true, but still something in me is compelling me to sit down and write, so here it is.

I hope I don’t come across as being of one particular bend as far as politics go. I don’t like political rhetoric, so I will do my best not to spew any. But this whole Kavanaugh thing has me up in arms. So here are some thoughts about this situation.

When I was 18 years old, I was sexually molested. It happened on a trip to Mexico when my group went snorkeling. It was my first time ever doing this and I was having trouble securing my mask. One of the guides took advantage of that. He held me back and separated me from the rest of the group and proceeded to “feel me up” without my consent. I was scared. I was afraid. I was deeply embarrassed and humiliated. To this day, writing about it brings back some sting.

Here’s the deal though. I can’t help but feel a little bit sorry for the man who did this to me. I prayed for him shortly after this happened. My prayer wasn’t one of revenge or exacting justice. It was simply a prayer that he would never do to another woman what he had done to me. Ever.

Don’t know if that prayer was answered but I’ll tell you what I do know. Forgiving him freed me. It helped me to heal, to let go of the pain and the humiliation of that wretched memory. I’ve been so free from it for all of these years that I rarely call the incident to mind. Until now. Until this.  

I don’t know who’s telling the truth in this situation. The fact is there is only three who know what that truth is. Two live on this earth and One does not. But in the end, His is the only Truth that matters.  

So here’s what I decided to do. Pray. Pray for the truth. The whole truth and nothing but the truth. The problem in our country is we do entirely too much debating, and blaming, and pointing fingers instead of praying.

See prayer is what gets it done. Hearings don’t. Debates don’t. Broadcasts don’t. God is the one who gets things done. Do you want to see an end to this debacle? Then pray, along with me, that the truth shines brightly for all to see-that justice would be exacted and that the innocent would walk away unscathed.

Maybe what I’m saying seems too simplistic. That’s all right. I’m a simple girl. But the truth is I can’t live with how we as a nation act when a disgrace like this happens. Prayer people. It’s powerful because no one else can do bring the truth to light like God does. Amen and Amen.